Relationships can be a good or bad thing, but a healthy relationship can be a great source of support and that’s ALWAYS a good thing. In this post, I’ll be sharing my take on the pros and cons of being in a relationship in medical school, as well as lessons I’ve learned along the way!
First, I think it might help to share my background/experience with relationships. Kevin is NOT in medicine; his background is accounting and he will be transitioning to corporate finance soon! We have been together 3 years, where we did long-distance for 1 year during my first year of medical school (he was in California, I was in Virginia), then he moved here during my 2nd year and we’ve been living together ever since! Before him, I was in a relationship for 6 years.
Something I want everyone to realize is that no relationship is perfect and you have no idea what goes on behind the scenes. On my Instagram, all you will see are the happy moments. And it’s true, we mostly have those. But Kevin and I both had personal problems that we needed to work on and our relationship was fragile when I first started medical school, to the point where we actually separated. This only lasted a couple months, as we had some realizations, which I will share below!
the Good
Support. Moving across the country for medical school and leaving behind the only support system you’ve ever known was the hardest part of transition. Even though we weren’t together a couple months, when we got back together, I felt a huge difference. I had someone I could call every night to vent to about school or difficult classmates. But I also had someone I could talk to at the end of the day about life and what’s going on in the outside world. Throughout the day, we would send each other funny texts or memes, or something funny/weird that had just happened. The little interactions add up to a healthy relationship.
We all know that the 3rd year of medical school is the hardest because of clinical rotations. You work long hours and you still have to study once you are home. With that said, there is nothing more comforting and relieving than coming home to your support system, with dinner already being made, the laundry already done and folded, your dog already fed and walked, and a big fat hug (unlimited). This is especially true on harder rotations when all you can do is come home, attempt to study, and then sleep.
Self-Esteem. Before I explain, let me first say that self-esteem should come from yourself, hence the name. You should never rely on someone to give that to you. HOWEVER, there will be countless times throughout your life, especially in medical school, where you will doubt your abilities, your worth, your potential, etc. This is also what’s known as Imposter Syndrome. You will forget. In times like these, it helps to have someone, it could be anyone, to REMIND you and HELP you regain your self-esteem. For me, that just happens to be Kevin. For many people actually, it happens to be their S/O. But it’s a balancing act! You don’t want to depend on someone for it because it still needs to come from within. But if you do need those reminders, it’s there.
Work-life balance. It’s hard to remember that there’s actually more to life than just medicine, especially when your partner is in medicine too. When your S/O is not in medicine though, it’s much easier! Regardless of what field they are in, I think that being in a relationship itself still allows you to have a better work-life balance because it’s not like you can be like, “hey let’s go on a date at the hospital cafeteria!”. When you’re in a healthy relationship, you’ll schedule date nights, movie nights, hiking trips, museum dates, basically anything that isn’t work! The relationship itself is part of life, something that you are involved in outside of medicine. When you’re NOT in a relationship, it’s easier to forget about life and just zone in on medicine whether that be more research hours, spending more time in the OR (operating room) just because you can, etc. Don’t get me wrong – there’s obviously nothing wrong with being single!
Stability. This one depends on several factors – how far along the relationship is, if it’s long-distance or not, how healthy it is – and may not be applicable to everyone. But if you are in a healthy, strong relationship, this can often add stability to your life in medical school because it’s one less thing to worry about. If you’re in a new relationship though, and you’re having a lot of problems, or if you’re single and constantly dating, this can be distracting to your schooling. But again, it depends. If you are great at time management and prioritizing, then there’s no harm in actively dating!
For me I can say that it does add stability to my life because I’m in a relationship where I’m content/happy most of the time and I don’t have to spend time actively dating, worrying about appearance, compatibility, etc.
the Bad
Time and effort. Relationships take WORK. Anyone in a healthy, strong relationship will tell you that it isn’t easy and it requires time and effort. But time and effort are two things that can be hard to come by in medical school especially if you aren’t good at managing your time and you don’t feel like putting the effort in a relationship for whatever reason. But you DO need to make time and you WILL if they’re important to you, if they’re worth it, and this is the person that you *hopefully* see yourself with for a long time. You DO need to put in the effort because no one likes to be the one carrying the entire relationship. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Relationships don’t either. Not even if you’re in medicine.
Distractions. The worst part of relationships for me is when Kevin and I get into an argument before a test or something important I have coming up. Whenever there is something going wrong in the relationship, it will likely be distracting whether you like it or not. Medical school is stressful enough. You don’t need another stressor in your life. That’s why it’s crucial to communicate and learn how to manage/resolve conflicts!
Guilt. Sometimes you can start feeling guilty that you’re not spending enough time with your S/O, especially when you’re at your busiest. There have been times when I’m tired from a long day and all I want to do is come home, eat dinner, and not talk to anyone, but then I feel guilty because I haven’t talked to Kevin all day. Or there have been times when something comes up and I have to stay at the hospital longer and I miss a dinner date. And there are times when I’ve had to say “sorry I can’t” 5 times in a row. The guilt builds up!
Lessons Learned
- Make time, not excuses.
- This is the number 1 thing that has kept our relationship healthy and strong. We make time for each other, period.
- I see a lot of people making excuses as if their S/O were just anybody. “I just can’t because I”m busy”. Make time! You may be busy, but there are 24 hours in a day and 7 days a week. There’s a calendar. Pick a time and day.
- If that person is important to you, you love them, and they’re the right person, making time will be easy because you want to spend time with them.
- Finding the right person.
- I’ve always known that I didn’t want to date anyone in medicine, but being in medical school has solidified this. There are a lot of personalities that I simply could not imagine myself being compatible with.
- Your partner doesn’t need to understand what it feels like to be in medicine, they just need to understand. Do they know what medical school entails? Do they understand that the process to becoming a physician is long? Are they prepared to support you throughout residency?
- 2 Way Communication.
- The advice that everyone knows about, but doesn’t follow! Communicating is a 2 way street. If something bothers you, say it. If you’re stressed, tell him/her why. If you’re worried, share why.
- Do not let anything fester for too long or it’ll eat you up and things will get ugly!
- Conflict resolution +/- therapy
- As I mentioned briefly, Kevin and I both had our personal problems. We had our individual therapists. We also had issues we simply couldn’t address on our own, which is why we went to couples therapy.
- Don’t be afraid to take this step if you need it. It’s normal, it’s fine, it’s needed, go for it!
- We learned many conflict resolution strategies and communication skills specific to couples and our issues that have save our relationship from deep waters! Highly recommend 🙂
Pros & Cons of Dating Outside of Medicine
- Pros
- Work-life balance
- Not bringing work home
- Talking about things other than medicine, diverse conversations
- Easier to start/have a family
- Different personalities
- Less clashing
- Growth
- Bringing different things to the table like knowledge, thoughts, opinions, goals
- Work-life balance
- Cons
- Explaining medical jargon
- Absence of shared experience
That’s it folks! Thanks for reading and I hope some of these points can be adapted for your relationship in school.
With lobe,
Kelly
This was soooo helpful to read! Thank you so much for sharing!